Well, I just wanna quickly summarise what these 2 years have been like for me personally.

It's been a hell of a rollercoaster ride. 

We all know, people come and go. Not saying that my friends have left me one way or another (some of my friendships have still been around after a good 15-17 years!!!) but I've always found myself coming back and forth to the same question, am I being lonely? Hahaha don't laugh! I know it's like quite dumb to be thinking such stuff but have you genuinely thought through those times you were alone, are you satisfied with what you already have, or were you constantly hoping to live other's life: live in their smiles, drown in their laughs or simply being able to guffaw in their sorrows.

Loneliness is not a word the Oxford dictionary can define, it all comes back to what your heart yearns. Alright, we could change the gloomy word to perhaps something more optimistic - Independence. We all need a little independence at some point of life, maybe one day your loved ones would leave this world, then you realise the individualistic side of you is set free. Maybe one day you choose to work on a group project alone, and the leader of yourself has served the job. Maybe one day, when you are at the state of independence, come back to this post and please do reflect on my thoughts of loneliness. 

To myself: Yes I've been actually feeling the kick recently. How do I describe it? Hmm, it sure hurts; my heart is at a losing battle but none of my comrades have noticed her. She is fighting hard, not for herself but for the people she had to put up a show for. When she's out, sometimes, she can be surrounded by many of her usuals, but at the very next instance, she returns home, and the sudden change of sight, right in front of her eyes. Her friends, her conversations, have all disappeared. Then comes the first world problems - she browsed through social media, all her friends of different backgrounds, having the time of their life, while she herself, lies on her dead mattress wondering when will it be her turn? 

Haiz, it's really hard to translate them to words, you have to vision them yourself with your bare eyes.  I just felt like, sometimes people come close to you may not exactly be the reason what you might think it is. They come with an objective and leave regardless whether they have achieved it or not. Everyone is making use of one another. You may not be the most important friend to the people in your class, you guys are together because they needed you. They needed companion to walk to the lectures, and a table to share during breaks. The group is formed because of the subjects you chose, because of the choices you make. If you are lucky enough, fate brings you all together successfully. Harshly speaking, it's gonna be torturous not only to yourself but to everyone beside you. 

This world is so small, everyone seems to know one another. Your actions today may be told tomorrow at the other side of the world. Every move you make have to be very careful, careful of what to say, who to say, when to say. Words hurt as much as actions do. And most interestingly, the very words you said can give a total different interpretation to others just by rearranging the words or simply adjusting the tone. It's amazing, isn't it? The world is not controlled by you, you are being controlled instead. Play this game and you find yourself becoming a mute sooner or later. You have no one to talk to, no one you could trust, no one can lend you a listening ear.

I chanced upon a phrase: Loneliness is not the absence of company, it is grief over that absence.

I know it seems intimidating, but it's all just a learning phase. I am also growing, I know for a fact that whatever you are going through now is just temporary. It does not last. Not the bad times, neither do the good ones. Perhaps this is just the most stressful 2 years so far, maybe I'm just digging a deep black hole in my chain of thoughts. Perhaps I should call it procrastination, that led me to this post. Haha, yeah it's perfectly normal if you have just spent like 5 minutes of your precious time reading this and not understanding a single thing. This is absolutely subjective, but if this concerns you, I'm thankful. 

Till next time xx

Love,