good evening. this is me. 

i’ve always pride myself as someone who will not regret my past, no matter how much i knew i could have made wiser decisions and enjoy the most out of my youth. i’ve constantly told myself, even if i were to turn back time and relive those moments i’m sure i’ll still be behaving the same way because of my nature.... but fk it tonight i just wanna teach myself an unforgettable lesson, that is there are consequences to these foolish actions. 

and i m remorseful.

i am not happy. i am not happy right now because i have nothing. living in a world where success is defined by both tangible and non-tangible things that people would trade their health for, i achieved nothing. my life has been properly paved since primary school (my only biggest w atm are my parents, ironically given our family relationships) they showed me the easy way to success which i would already have been satisfied with. i would have already been given matriculation into a local university, in my second year to be exact. this is my first consequence i’m responsible for. and i am sorry for living too much in the moment i have not been taking my studies seriously and here i am, asking for a second, third chance, idk anymore. all i can say is that i feel really empty, having to see my friends one by one being accepted to their dream schools and courses and despite sharing the same fun memories i did not receive the same acceptance letter. 

how would i feel in future not attending my dream school?

and while i have always tried to look at the bright side, sometimes i get too delusional and some may call this having false hopes. so what’s the point of telling myself it’s gonna be okay, there will be another opened door when one closes, if i knew at the back of my head, not to keep my hopes too high for another disappointment? i should have been more blunt and straightforward with myself. 

i have not been the best daughter, sister. i know i should not bring family matters to a stranger, out of respect, but i’m blaming myself for always knowing what i should have done but did not do. and as the oldest child i should have set a good example for him, or at the very least help my mother out with our financial expenses. all these part time jobs and money i’ve earned for the family, will only just be sufficient for idk, one time stock up at ntuc, or one month tuition fees for my brother? this is not a big deal. i should be graduating earlier and earn something solid. 

every time the house turns into a battlefield i choose to hide myself in the room and rant to my friends. this should not be it. a family matter should be settled within these 4 walls. anyway, i know i havent been the best daughter for putting myself in your shoes, mummy. i know you are having a hard time with every thing right now. literally, every single thing on your plate. what would i do without you? i really cant bear to think for a second. you have just been so, so so good. and i would dare to even say, no other woman would be able to go through what you did mummy. and i know i have not said this before, but i am very proud of you. i don’t wish to become like you, at all because i know how much it have hurt you and i would never have stayed in such a toxic environment. i wish to become someone opposite of you, and i hope, you are proud of me too even though i am so, uncooperative sometimes. though we have said things we should have never said to each other, you know i am no longer a little girl anymore and you can rely on me mummy. 

i will always be your forever best friend, i love you

papa, thank you for teaching me how to be a friend, an adult in society. because of you i know how it feels like to be at the receiving end.. its not a bad thing papa because i know this is your character and there is nothing wrong with that. i acknowledge and i hope you did too. it is never too late to change these bad habits, improve social skills etc. because i know you can, the way you talk to me all the time, the love you have showered me. the patience you had to guide me step by step for the goals i want to achieve. oh how i wish everyone else have seen this side of you. you are precious, and even though i would dare to tell you you r still the most disliked member in the family, i hope to be able to converse more comfortably with u without having to worry to say the wrong things or anything that triggers you. i wish to learn more of your intelligent ways to get things done (well tbh i’ve doubted this in recent years heheh lil bro and i might have outsmarted u alrd :p) papa, if you have the time (ofc you do), pls flip through my baby photos and see how close we were, mummy was so jealous! 

always have been, and always will be a daddy’s girl.

my family members are the closest to my heart, the most important people in my life. yes it has always been an easy dilemma for everyone, including myself, to always choose to spend time with friends and really enjoy how a teen should instead of a cliche quality time with family. because, we have already spent our entire life with them since we were born right, and like, there’s always a second time, they will always understand, they will always forgive, am i right? yeah and this is what family offers when your friends cannot. because friends are a choice but family is a gift. having to stay home with my family this circuit breaker period has made me appreciate them so much more, i hope this kinda made up for all the times i chose to hang with my friends instead of a movie with you guys. thank you covid, i guess hahaha

well i guess this is me! i’ve reflected enough and i want to be a better person!!!! but i can only do this much.. you know haha well i accept things that come to my way anyways and only make the most out of everything from now on. and i can really work on my conclusions lolol i’m tired ciaoooooo xoxo