good evening. this is me. 

i’ve always pride myself as someone who will not regret my past, no matter how much i knew i could have made wiser decisions and enjoy the most out of my youth. i’ve constantly told myself, even if i were to turn back time and relive those moments i’m sure i’ll still be behaving the same way because of my nature.... but fk it tonight i just wanna teach myself an unforgettable lesson, that is there are consequences to these foolish actions. 

and i m remorseful.

i am not happy. i am not happy right now because i have nothing. living in a world where success is defined by both tangible and non-tangible things that people would trade their health for, i achieved nothing. my life has been properly paved since primary school (my only biggest w atm are my parents, ironically given our family relationships) they showed me the easy way to success which i would already have been satisfied with. i would have already been given matriculation into a local university, in my second year to be exact. this is my first consequence i’m responsible for. and i am sorry for living too much in the moment i have not been taking my studies seriously and here i am, asking for a second, third chance, idk anymore. all i can say is that i feel really empty, having to see my friends one by one being accepted to their dream schools and courses and despite sharing the same fun memories i did not receive the same acceptance letter. 

how would i feel in future not attending my dream school?

and while i have always tried to look at the bright side, sometimes i get too delusional and some may call this having false hopes. so what’s the point of telling myself it’s gonna be okay, there will be another opened door when one closes, if i knew at the back of my head, not to keep my hopes too high for another disappointment? i should have been more blunt and straightforward with myself. 

i have not been the best daughter, sister. i know i should not bring family matters to a stranger, out of respect, but i’m blaming myself for always knowing what i should have done but did not do. and as the oldest child i should have set a good example for him, or at the very least help my mother out with our financial expenses. all these part time jobs and money i’ve earned for the family, will only just be sufficient for idk, one time stock up at ntuc, or one month tuition fees for my brother? this is not a big deal. i should be graduating earlier and earn something solid. 

every time the house turns into a battlefield i choose to hide myself in the room and rant to my friends. this should not be it. a family matter should be settled within these 4 walls. anyway, i know i havent been the best daughter for putting myself in your shoes, mummy. i know you are having a hard time with every thing right now. literally, every single thing on your plate. what would i do without you? i really cant bear to think for a second. you have just been so, so so good. and i would dare to even say, no other woman would be able to go through what you did mummy. and i know i have not said this before, but i am very proud of you. i don’t wish to become like you, at all because i know how much it have hurt you and i would never have stayed in such a toxic environment. i wish to become someone opposite of you, and i hope, you are proud of me too even though i am so, uncooperative sometimes. though we have said things we should have never said to each other, you know i am no longer a little girl anymore and you can rely on me mummy. 

i will always be your forever best friend, i love you

papa, thank you for teaching me how to be a friend, an adult in society. because of you i know how it feels like to be at the receiving end.. its not a bad thing papa because i know this is your character and there is nothing wrong with that. i acknowledge and i hope you did too. it is never too late to change these bad habits, improve social skills etc. because i know you can, the way you talk to me all the time, the love you have showered me. the patience you had to guide me step by step for the goals i want to achieve. oh how i wish everyone else have seen this side of you. you are precious, and even though i would dare to tell you you r still the most disliked member in the family, i hope to be able to converse more comfortably with u without having to worry to say the wrong things or anything that triggers you. i wish to learn more of your intelligent ways to get things done (well tbh i’ve doubted this in recent years heheh lil bro and i might have outsmarted u alrd :p) papa, if you have the time (ofc you do), pls flip through my baby photos and see how close we were, mummy was so jealous! 

always have been, and always will be a daddy’s girl.

my family members are the closest to my heart, the most important people in my life. yes it has always been an easy dilemma for everyone, including myself, to always choose to spend time with friends and really enjoy how a teen should instead of a cliche quality time with family. because, we have already spent our entire life with them since we were born right, and like, there’s always a second time, they will always understand, they will always forgive, am i right? yeah and this is what family offers when your friends cannot. because friends are a choice but family is a gift. having to stay home with my family this circuit breaker period has made me appreciate them so much more, i hope this kinda made up for all the times i chose to hang with my friends instead of a movie with you guys. thank you covid, i guess hahaha

well i guess this is me! i’ve reflected enough and i want to be a better person!!!! but i can only do this much.. you know haha well i accept things that come to my way anyways and only make the most out of everything from now on. and i can really work on my conclusions lolol i’m tired ciaoooooo xoxo

Well, I just wanna quickly summarise what these 2 years have been like for me personally.

It's been a hell of a rollercoaster ride. 

We all know, people come and go. Not saying that my friends have left me one way or another (some of my friendships have still been around after a good 15-17 years!!!) but I've always found myself coming back and forth to the same question, am I being lonely? Hahaha don't laugh! I know it's like quite dumb to be thinking such stuff but have you genuinely thought through those times you were alone, are you satisfied with what you already have, or were you constantly hoping to live other's life: live in their smiles, drown in their laughs or simply being able to guffaw in their sorrows.

Loneliness is not a word the Oxford dictionary can define, it all comes back to what your heart yearns. Alright, we could change the gloomy word to perhaps something more optimistic - Independence. We all need a little independence at some point of life, maybe one day your loved ones would leave this world, then you realise the individualistic side of you is set free. Maybe one day you choose to work on a group project alone, and the leader of yourself has served the job. Maybe one day, when you are at the state of independence, come back to this post and please do reflect on my thoughts of loneliness. 

To myself: Yes I've been actually feeling the kick recently. How do I describe it? Hmm, it sure hurts; my heart is at a losing battle but none of my comrades have noticed her. She is fighting hard, not for herself but for the people she had to put up a show for. When she's out, sometimes, she can be surrounded by many of her usuals, but at the very next instance, she returns home, and the sudden change of sight, right in front of her eyes. Her friends, her conversations, have all disappeared. Then comes the first world problems - she browsed through social media, all her friends of different backgrounds, having the time of their life, while she herself, lies on her dead mattress wondering when will it be her turn? 

Haiz, it's really hard to translate them to words, you have to vision them yourself with your bare eyes.  I just felt like, sometimes people come close to you may not exactly be the reason what you might think it is. They come with an objective and leave regardless whether they have achieved it or not. Everyone is making use of one another. You may not be the most important friend to the people in your class, you guys are together because they needed you. They needed companion to walk to the lectures, and a table to share during breaks. The group is formed because of the subjects you chose, because of the choices you make. If you are lucky enough, fate brings you all together successfully. Harshly speaking, it's gonna be torturous not only to yourself but to everyone beside you. 

This world is so small, everyone seems to know one another. Your actions today may be told tomorrow at the other side of the world. Every move you make have to be very careful, careful of what to say, who to say, when to say. Words hurt as much as actions do. And most interestingly, the very words you said can give a total different interpretation to others just by rearranging the words or simply adjusting the tone. It's amazing, isn't it? The world is not controlled by you, you are being controlled instead. Play this game and you find yourself becoming a mute sooner or later. You have no one to talk to, no one you could trust, no one can lend you a listening ear.

I chanced upon a phrase: Loneliness is not the absence of company, it is grief over that absence.

I know it seems intimidating, but it's all just a learning phase. I am also growing, I know for a fact that whatever you are going through now is just temporary. It does not last. Not the bad times, neither do the good ones. Perhaps this is just the most stressful 2 years so far, maybe I'm just digging a deep black hole in my chain of thoughts. Perhaps I should call it procrastination, that led me to this post. Haha, yeah it's perfectly normal if you have just spent like 5 minutes of your precious time reading this and not understanding a single thing. This is absolutely subjective, but if this concerns you, I'm thankful. 

Till next time xx

Love,